Have you missed me?

Sorry to have been away - I'm going to try and throw, at the very least, a "Thought of the Day" up, if not an actual post. On to today's...

So late last night I was watching MTV Cribs while I was putting together the most bullet-proof iPod playlist ever (no joke, there’s not one country song or one song you’d want to fast forward – it’s insane how good it is), and it was the episode of the guy on the Kings who was dating Elisha Cuthbert. Sure enough he’s leading us on a tour of his house while she’s lounging around looking like she may as well be a trophy or a decoration (albeit an absolutely stunning trophy or decoration).
This got me thinking (dangerous I understand); Do actresses that date or marry athletes ever rebound? I thought this because what the hell has Elisha done since that nice little run she had? I’m pretty sure the last time I saw her was when she made an appearance on last season’s “24.” Now this is a disaster because Elisha is one of the hottest women alive – and she’s now bound for a career of dating hockey or baseball players while taking small roles on “CSI: Miami” or “Medium.” Unless she shows her boobs – that seems to be the only comeback for these athlete-whores.
Think about it: Outside of “managing” the NBA All-Star Celebrity game and introducing a line of clothing that no one gives a crap about, what has Alyssa Milano done since she decided to tear through the National League’s top pitchers (12 people watched Charmed – it doesn’t count)? What happened to fashion model and actress Tawny Kitaen (sp?) after she married Chuck Finley (outside of kicking his ass)? “Left Eye” from TLC was part of one of the most popular hip-hop groups of all-time and then she burned down Andre Rison’s house. Janet Jones was an aspiring actress when she married Wayne Gretzky, now she’s famous for running an illegal backdoor gambling ring with The Great One’s assistant coach. Posh Spice is now (after weak album sales for the Spice Girls greatest hits) officially more famous for being Mrs. Beckham.
As I alluded, there is one way back: Show your breasts! Halle Berry was struggling to gain major roles after her divorce to David Justice, when she showed her breasts in Swordfish and Monster’s Ball and won herself an Academy Award. She is now one of the most sought after actresses alive (we’re pretending Catwoman never happened).
Was this entire blog my attempt to get Elisha Cuthbert to show her goods on screen? Probably. Are their holes in this theory? Without question. Should Elisha Cuthbert show us what the stick-swingers get to see? Probably couldn’t hurt.

What a Waste of Time - and either B12, Lidocaine, HGH, or Steroids

What a debacle today was - 5 hours in front of Congress, and all we continue to know is that McNamee is a sleazeball and Clemens is a hell of a witness - a hell of a witness who probably took HGH and/or steroids.

I'm not sure what Congress feels they accomplished at this point. The Rep. Burton on McNamee, and Rep. Cummings on Clemens, were the two that really went for the jugular, and neither "witness" broke.

It was almost as if they were trying to replay the scene from A Few Good Man, hoping that their chosen target would just scream out that they were lying.

Out of the two, Clemens certainly appeared to be a far more credible witness, as McNamee tripped up all over himself throughout the day, and seemed to shrink into the table as the day passed. Clemens, though, certainly didn't get through this thing clean. The nanny, whether Andy P. is or is not credible, and Cummings direct verbal assault made sure Clemens left the day scathed in one fashion or another.

It was fascinating in the Real World/Road Rules-who-made-out-with-who kind of way, but nothing above pure shock value. It's impossible to figure out what actually happened, and it's impossible to figure out who I believe more (note: I will never say "who I believe"). Just like reality TV - I feel like I need to take a shower now, but I sure as hell will watch or read whatever comes down the pike next.

Chasing Kevin

I am a HUGE Kevin Smith fan - let's get that right out of the way. My vast DVD collection is filled with all 6 of his movies.

Kevin Smith movies were kept out of my Top 25 Comedies post because they are some sort of crazy amalgamation between dick and fart, physical comedy, and smart comedy. The dialogue is always witty, and there is just enough humanity in each of his films to make you genuinely care about the characters on the screen

I mention this because, at the moment, I am reading My Boring-Ass Life: The Uncomfortably Candid Diary of Kevin Smith - and I can't put it down. Like his movies, you laugh while genuinely caring for the characters that trot in and out of his at-times-frenetic, and at-times-boring-ass life.

I've heard the complaints - "Jersey Girl was over the top melodramatic," "Chasing Amy was incredibly unrealistic - that ending would never happen," "Dogma went way too far," etc. etc. etc.

The thing is, unlike most directors, Kevin Smith truly appears to make his movies for himself and the friends he recasts and rehires film after film. He has truly forged himself the career that he dreamed about having. What he seems to care about most - in the book and in his movies - are the very simple things in life: enjoy the people you choose to surround yourself with, never cease searching to find the little things that will make you laugh, and continue to challenges yourself. These characteristics, inter-spliced with dick and fart jokes, sex talk, and people flying through the crotch of a woman in the poster of a department store, really seem to hit home with me - and the hordes of fans that flock to his movies and buy his DVD's - as the things that I value most in my daily life of living.

In each one of his movies, his books, his Evening With DVD's, etc. Kevin Smith lets you back into his f'd up world. To me, it's always a welcomed trip.

Ranking The Films:
1) Chasing Amy - one of my all-time favorite movies
2) Clerks II - horrified he was going to make it, couldn't have been more thrilled w/ the result
3) Clerks - the greatest $30,000 movie ever - well ever since that wasn't a lot of money
4) Mallrats - the one that got me hooked
5) Dogma - maybe too over the top, but makes a hell of a funny point
6) Jersey Girl - And you know what? I still f'n liked it!

So much to say...

So I'm covering four things with this specific blog:
1) The Super Bowl Champion Giants (goddamn that sounds good)
2) Bobby Knight
3) The Shaq Trade
4) UCONN Men's Basketball

Under normal circumstances I'd have written a blog for each, but I've actually been quite busy, so they all get a paragraph.

In this age of Boston vs. New York sports, this would equate to a groin kick of the greatest magnitude. Oddly, I don't feel like gloating - I am WAY too proud of this New York Giants team to really care about the feelings of Patriots fans (or, rather, how I could make them even more miserable). Osi, Tuck, Manning, Tyree, Strahan are the heroes you know well at this point - but this was without question a team effort. I've been trying to think of metaphors for this team for the past three days, but f it - there really are none. When the going got tough, Eli Manning got going. I have heard people say, "Oh, he didn't play well at all," "He was mediocre." People, he was unbelievable. He can not go backwards now - he is a Super Bowl Champion Quarterback. With the third youngest team in the NFL behind him, I'm pretty sure (and absolutely hoping) it won't be his last.


With all the talk over the last two decades about "Bob Knight hasn't really won since the '80's," you would think he was Mike Davis. Who cares that Knight graduated his players? Who gives a crap that he produced a ton of NBA players? Who cares that he helped his players get jobs after graduation if basketball wasn't their first choice? Who cares that he produced an insane amount of head coaches from the graduate students that he would take in? Who cares that 99.9% of his former players speaking nothing but glowingly about him?

He didn't win enough. Because that's truly the goal of intercollegiate athletics, right? Not to get kids an opportunity to receive a free education. Not to make sure the kids take advantage of that opportunity. Not to give opportunities to players and students that graduated who want to continue their career in basketball. It's to win. It's to feed the machine. It's to figure out what sponsors he brings back to the school. It's to hang another banner up on the wall. It's to win regardless of the casualties of students you leave in your wake.

Bob Knight never had a recruiting violation. He graduated 90% of his players (with the majority of others leaving school for the NBA early). He left the Army, Indiana, and Texas Tech program's markedly better then they were when he got there. He also messed up a few very public times. But 99% of the time he did it the right way, and he's the reason the Bob Huggins', Jim Harrick's, etc. make me physically ill. Isn't it possible to think that he just simply rose above the corruptness that had infiltrated the game? College basketball corruptness was like steroids in baseball throughout the 90's. Most everyone was doing it, very few people got caught. Knight made it known that was never going to be how he did it. Maybe he missed out on players because he refused to pay them. He showed at Texas Tech that he could still win college basketball games.

Popular rumor has it that the boosters at Indiana simply wanted him out because he would not pay for the top talent in and out of the state, and were looking for any reason to do it. The validity of that is obviously forever in question. But the fact that that was even talked about proves my point. It wasn't enough to recruit good kids, who played hard, who consistently made the NCAA tournament, and who graduated. I'm guilty of the fact that I sit here and cheer the fact that UCONN has the #12 recruit in the country coming in next year. What on earth do I know about this kid? At this point I can only root that he goes to UCONN for 2 years, plays well, and doesn't cause trouble. That doesn't make me feel good to write. Wherever Bob Knight has gone, at the end of the day, you can say he recruited good kids, who graduated, and had a career - whether basketball or not - afterward. That should make any fan of his programs proud to say.

Off my soap box, on to Shaq. Sorry everyone who liked watching the Suns win games 140-135, but that doesn't win you an NBA Championship - especially when the playoffs roll around and you continue to get schooled by teams who can actually protect the rim. Even with this trade, I think the Lakers are still the team to beat in the West (Bryants, and Gasols, and Bynums, Good Lord!), but the Suns have put a final line of defense in place for the next two years. With the Jazz rounding into shape after the Korver trade, and the Spurs, Lakers, Suns, and Mavs as strong contenders - not to forget about Chris Paul and the Hornets or Baron and the Warriors - this is going to be a HELL of a playoff season in the Western Conference.

Finally, my hat's off to Jim Calhoun for how he has handled his team and the media during the Wiggins/Dysom fiasco. Reeling off a 6-game win streak against a very tough schedule, with the media shining strongly down on your team is one of the most remarkable feats of his historic coaching career. Forced to actually coach again, after simply relying on talent for years, Calhoun has showed that he is still able, when pushed, to put together offensive game plans that work, and defensive game plans that are stifling. This team, behind the offense of Adrien and Price, and the defense of Thabeet, has been fun to watch mature before our eyes.

To Michael Strahan, Hasheem Thabeet, Bobby Knight, and Shaq (all for various reasons): ONE MORE YEAR! ONE MORE YEAR! ONE MORE YEAR!

Top 25 Comedies of All-Time

There are very few things in life that get me much happier then a great comedic movie. Unfortunately my DVD collection has been getting quite the workout, as the level of comedy has dropped precipitously since the mid-90's. Clever spoof movies that make a genre funny in its own way have been replaced by movies that make fun of lines from other movies, eschewing originality at every turn.

This post comes after dropping a $10-spot to see 'Strange Wilderness' last night, a movie that looked promising to me, as it starred Steve Zahn, Justin Long, Jonah Hill and The Guy Who Played Farva. Those are four of my favorite comedic actors in the new generation. Unfortunately, instead of using their generous talents, the movie used "dick and fart" jokes as a crutch for the entire movie. Now, I am a man who loves his "dick and fart" jokes, but it does get old after 80 straight minutes.

So let's set some guildelines for the Top 25 Comedies of All-Time:
1) You can't have to think about it. Movies like The Big Lebowski, The Royal Tennenbaum's, and This is Spinal Tap rank among my favorite movies of all-time, but they just aren't as accessible to the general viewing public as the movies that crack this list.
2) It has to have been made since 1975. This, unfortunately, excludes Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein, but if you are going to try and tell me that Charlie Chaplin is as funny as Chevy Chase then we are going to fight.
3) No romantic comedies. This knocks out Juno (the best movie of 2007), Bull Durham, Big, and any Nick Hornby book that got turned into a movie that's not named Fever Pitch. My friends make fun of me for liking some romantic comedies, so I'm just going to prefer to not add any fuel to the fire.

I'm going to give you my honorable mentions, and then the top 25 list from 25 to 1. Doesn't it make it pointless when people start with #1? The hell do you have to read the rest of the article for?

Honorable Mentions: Spies Like Us, The Jerk, Old School, Zoolander, Baseketball, Nothing to Lose, Stripes, Wedding Crashers, The Ladies Man, Accepted, Waiting..., Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (#26, killed me not to include it), 40 Year Old Virgin, Robin Hood: Men In Tights, Billy Madison, My Cousin Vinny, Bad Santa, Dodgeball, American Pie's I-III, South Park, Trading Places, and Bio-Dome.

#25: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy: Truly a great performance by everyone in his movie, including the incredibly underrated Christina Applegate. Insanely quotable, but just didn't have one "fall out of my seat" scene.

#24: Tommy Boy: The best movie from the guy (Chris Farley) that would probably be carrying the comedy genre on his back at this point if he didn't die. David Spade proved in Joe Dirt and PCU that he can be great without Chris Farley, but isn't he so much better with him?

#23: Superbad: The more I watch this movie, the more it will probably rise on this list. Michael Cera and Jonah Hill are two actors that could bring back the comedy, or at least give us some of what we missed with the loss of Farley/Spade.

#22: Office Space: Almost fell into the "Too Smart" area, but was just a little more accessible. This is a great example of a movie that doesn't rely on the "dick and fart" or over the top physical comedy, but is still just as funny.

#21: Road Trip: This was everything that the American Pie movies almost were. The knock out punches ("Yeah, but it's YOUR dog," "What do you want me to do, chop it off?") put the Pie series to shame - and anyone can do physical comedy, there's something to be said for writing and delivery.

#20: Spaceballs: The first entry of the 'spoof' movie on this list - and type of movie that will reappear often. If you notice, there are no spoof movies on this list that were made in the 2000's. The modern spoof is an embarassment to its outstanding predecessors.

#19: Vacation: Most have this higher on their lists, and it truly is a great comedy movie. Unfortunately, Chevy Chase had much, much funnier movies and it'd be pretty disingenuous to rank this higher just because critics like it more.

#18: Borat: Another movie that could rise quickly with repeated movies. Sacha Baron Cohen is a modern comedic marvel. He also put Talladegha Nights on his back, and was amazing in the Sweeney Todd. I'm pretty excited for where this is headed...

#17: Super Troopers: Everything that Wedding Crashers could have been. I was crying after the first 10 minutes of this movie, and Broken Lizard did a good job of saying "screw the plot," and keeping the movie consistently funny.

#16: PCU: It kills me that Jeremy Piven made this movie and then it took him like 15 years to become famous. How many decent movies would have been better with him in it? Truly a fantastic cast, and truly a fantastically underrated movie.

#15: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective: 23? Seriously? The Adventures of Dick and Jane? C'mon man. Ace Ventura 3! It's not too late, your career isn't in the crapper yet!

#14: Major League: I could go on for paragraphs on how Charlie Sheen is the most underrated comedic actor of all-time, but maybe in a different post. This movie truly relied on great writing and great characters and certainly (terrible baseball pun coming in 3...2...1...) hit a home run on both fronts.

#13: There's Something About Mary: I loved this movie, just loved it. But is it just me, or did you just think it could have been a little funnier? I always watch this movie when it's on, laugh my ass off, and yet feel always feel just a little unfulfilled at the end. If I knew what it was I'd say it, but until then it's going to have to take #13.

#12: Ferris Bueller's Day Off: When I watch a comedy, I usually can think of one or two other people that could have played the main role - not necessarily as well as the hired gun - but could have made it survive. There's just no one else that could have done Ferris Bueller, though. Matthew Broderick, even with a tremendous supporting cast (AMAZING cameo by Charlie Sheen), gives one of the greatest comedic performances of my lifetime.

#11: Airplane: It amazes me that Leslie Nielson used to be a real actor, and was actually quite good. He really does have one of the best comedic deliveries of all-time. Also, for the record, someone should have made David Zucker retire before the year 2000 hit. He would have had one of the greatest comedic careers ever.

#10: Fast Times at Ridgemont High: If you've never seen this movie, and you want to get your mind totally blown, rent it and realize that Spicoli is Sean Penn. Sean Penn! I can't decide what's more incredible: the fact that it's 26 years since this movie came out and Sean Penn couldn't look more different, or that Forest Whitaker looks exactly the same.

#9: Van Wilder: The sole entry from the 2000's, I can't begin to gush at how underrated I think Ryan Reynolds is as a comedic actor. The cast in this movie was tremendous, and truly make every scene that Reynolds' isn't in funny. But, it's Reynolds and his comedic timing that is an absolute revelation here. It's truly one of the greatest, and easily the most underrated, comedic performances of all-time.

#8: Groundhog Day: If I was someone with a strong moral compass, this movie would probably fall into the romantic comedy category. I'm just not going to do that. Every other character in this movie, regardless of how good they are, is just scenery. Bill Murray may not be THE comedic god, but he is a god.

#7: Naked Gun Series: There have been many a solid comedic series absolutely undermined by the third installment (American Pie! Scary Movie! Godfather 3 - that was a comedy right?), but the Naked Gun series just kept plugging along. For the record, burglary appears to be the only thing OJ Simpson isn't truly great at.

#6: Hot Shots 1 & 2: These two movies do precisely what the perfect spoof should do - touch on what they are spoofing lightly with the proper respect, toss in some physical comedy, and be totally littered with hilarious one-liners ("I left my heart in my other pants."). It's not a hard formula, and yet no one can get it right these days. As great as the other spoofs on this list are, both of these movies are better then everyone below here. Not collectively, both individual movies. That's damn impressive.

#5: Monty Python and the Holy Grail: The dialogue in this movie is simply out of control awesome. This is the best of an incredible career that the Monty Python-ers put together, and the real reason I made 1975 my cut-off date.

#4: Dumb and Dumber: Did you know this movie was made almost 15 years ago now? That's crazy to me. There isn't a movie in the top 5 best comedies that was made since 1994. If you can't tell me why this movie is funny, or, worse yet, you haven't seen this movie, there's a 100% chance we've never spoken and aren't friends.

The Holy Trinity of Comedic Movies: That's what I call the Top 3. There has never, ever, been a comedy that has lived up to the standards of these 3. The last of these came out in 1985, the other when I was 0 years old, and the other when I was -2 years old. That means there's an entire generation of kids who probably has not seen the below 3 movies, and thinks that Evan Almighty is "like totally the funniest movie ever." It makes me weep.

Last point: These last three movies are almost 100% interchangeable for me based on day of the week, my general mood, and what the last of these I saw was. This is my ranking today, February 3, 2008. It'd probably be different tomorrow.

#3: Caddyshack: My friends know well my obsession with Chevy Chase. At the apex of his career (1980-1989), he was the greatest comedic actor of all-time. This is the best sports movie of all-time. This is the funniest sports movie of all-time. This might be the funniest movie of all-time. It's funny that this movie came out the same year as the Lake Placid Olympics. The Chevy Chase and Bill Murray scene featured two of the greatest comedic superpowers of all-time. Both men hated each other. They met for one epic scene in their careers. Do you believe in Cannonballs? Yes!

#2: Fletch: You can argue yourself in circles. You can bring up role after role after role. You will never convince me that Chevy Chase as Fletch isn't the greatest comedic performance of all-time (I feel double negatives make the point better - but for those easily confused, it's the greatest performance of all-time). His timing is ridiculously perfect. I've seen this movie 10,000 times, and I still find random quotes from it. Apparently this is because I've been laughing WAY too hard the other 9,999 times. This is the standard to which I hold all other comedic performances.

#1: Animal House: It's like the Citizen Kane of comedies. As archaic as the production of it looks in comparison to modern movies, it is playing a totally different sport then 99% of comedies that have come out in the past decade. When I say "sport," I'm taking it beyond "it's not even in the same stadium," and "it's not even in the same league." Modern comedies are not the O-Rena or the East Conference compared to Animal House. Modern comedies are playing basketball with no dribbling and two peach baskets compared to Animal House.